The Hardest Conversation: talking to your child about death

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The death of a parent is one of the most difficult things a child can go through. It is very natural for us to want to shield our children from what is happening, and to protect them from fear and pain. But even though it might be the last thing you want to do, it is much better for your child if you tell them the truth.

Derek’s Place spoke with Alys McLennan, Child and Family Therapist and Adam Willing, a Child, Family and Adolescent Counsellor, about why being honest with your child is better for them, and for their relationship with you.

“Something we often come across when working with families is ‘I love my child and I want to protect them from difficult feelings’. So that tends to invite parents to give less information, or not involve the child in the process. It’s important to have the conversation with them. We can’t protect a child from distress. We want to give them the language to express it and to share the experience with you.”

Adam agrees that adults should not try and hide what’s happening from children.

“With kids, even if we’re not involving them, they know something is wrong. They will pick up on your feelings, on changing routines or if you and other family members are at hospital a lot. Children can be put to the side during these hard times for families and adults. Acknowledge to yourself how big this is for you. It’s just as big for your child. They need the same information and the same truth. It’s important for a child to trust the adults in their life. Not giving them any or all the accurate information can damage this trust.”

Think about what you’re going to say. Adam suggests that you take time to decide what the truth is, so that you help your child to understand what’s happening and to retain their trust in you.

“What piece of information are you going to share? What’s the best way to give them that information? Is this the right time or do I need to regulate myself before I attempt to have the conversation?”

Use age appropriate information in child friendly language. If you’ve got a young child as opposed to an older teen or young adult child, the level of information you provide and the type of discussion will be different. But for all kids, Alys advises not to avoid the words ‘death’ or ‘dying’.

“For young children in particular the concept of death is not concrete. If you use terms such as ‘passing on’ or ‘going to heaven’ it can become confusing.”

That doesn't mean you should avoid explaining concepts such as heaven. In fact including your family's religious and spiritual beliefs in your conversation is important to a child's sense of identity and belonging. Just make sure you use clear and concrete language to explain death and dying.

She also suggests that you give them small amounts of information based on their distress levels and their capacity. The whole conversation doesn’t have to happen on one occasion. It’s okay not to have an answer. Be honest and let them know if you don’t have an answer to their question.

You could say that you’ll try and find out and get back to them, or suggest that you could both ask another person such as your doctor or therapist, who might have the answer. Sometimes though there just won’t be an answer and telling your child you don’t know is ok.

Checking in with kids

“It’s really important with young children that along with concrete information, you give them the space to express their feelings.” says Alys.

“Not all children will be able to express themselves verbally. You can use emotion cards, or art or creativity. Even taking notice of their body language will give you a lot of feedback about how they are. Grief is not a step-by-step linear experience. It can come in waves. Children can also move back and forward between experiences. It’s important to meet them where they’re at so they don’t have to do it alone.”

What to do when you’re not prepared

Anyone with kids knows that difficult questions come at the most awkward times. You might be dropping them at school, standing in the middle of a supermarket aisle, or writing a work email and suddenly your child launches into a tough conversation. Alys suggests you take a moment before responding.

“Ask yourself, can I pause what I’m doing now to respond, or do I need to wait?”

If at all possible she recommends making time to talk to your child then and there, as it’s important that parents make space for conversations even if they come at unexpected times. If you are just not able to answer them at the moment then at least take the time to acknowledge your child’s question and reassure them that you will come back to it.

For example, you could say ‘It sounds like you have some important questions. I am busy now, but when I’ve finished what I’m doing, let's have some hot chocolate and we can talk.’

Managing your own distress and grief

How do adults hold their own grief to allow space for their children? Before you talk to your child Adam suggests taking time to prepare yourself emotionally.

“We work with parents a lot to help them to be aware of their own distress, and to plan conversations and strategies to help them manage.”

If a parent is too distressed, or worried that they may not be able to hold their own grief enough to talk to their child, then Adam suggests recruiting the help of another adult. Even if you think you’re going to be ok, it’s not a bad idea to make sure you and your child have that back up.

“The best laid plans can always fall apart. Identify someone that your child has a relationship with who can be available to talk to and support the child. It could be a grandparent, an aunt or uncle, or even a close family friend. If a child already has a relationship with a therapist, then that can also be an appropriate person to support the child.”

You also don’t want grief to be a taboo experience, advises Alys.

“If tears come, if you show distress, then let them. It’s about talking in that child friendly appropriate way about how you’re feeling.”

Alys suggests saying something like ‘Do you know that my tears are actually showing the love I have for your Mum/Dad/Carer and I’m really sad that this is happening.’

About our experts

Alys McLennan is a trauma therapist and social work practitioner. She holds a Masters in Social Work (Qual) and a Masters in Social Health and Counselling. Alys specialises in child and family trauma-specific care and embodied recovery. Contact Alys and her team at Immrama: Holistic Trauma Healing centre please email- admin@immrama.com.au

Adam Willing is a trauma therapist and social work practitioner, with a Masters in Counselling Social Work. He works as a child, family and adolescent counsellor in the non government sector and in his own practice in Sydney.

Contact Adam via email at willingabletherapies@gmail.com

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Disclaimer: This article is for information purposes only. Derek’s Place recommend individuals seek advice from a qualified specialist for advice specific to your needs.