Emotion coaching

Never mind. Cheer Up. Don’t worry about it

Do these phrases sound familiar? Do you say things like this to your children when they’re upset, sad, angry or distressed? Do you try to ‘fix’ the problem for them? You’re not alone. Many of us learned to respond this way from our own parents when we were kids.

You may be trying to cheer them up, distract them, or find a solution to whatever it is that’s upsetting them. But have you noticed that it doesn’t work very well?

As hard as it is to see our children sad or angry, they need to be allowed to express their feelings, and learn how to do it in a healthy way. This post provides concrete advice on how to offer comfort, build trust and deepen the emotional intimacy between you and your child at the same time.

Emotion coaching is a technique that applies to everything from a grazed knee, to the loss of an important person in your child’s life.

What’s happening in a child’s brain when they are upset?

To understand why emotion coaching is so effective, first we need to take a step back and look at the science of how emotions trigger a physiological response in the human brain.

The emotional part of our brain is called our limbic system. When we experience something difficult like hearing very bad news, or grieving a loss, our limbic system becomes flooded with hormones. Our limbic system can become so overwhelmed that it shuts down the thinking part of our brain, called the pre-frontal cortex. This is a biological response that happens to all of us, but even more so for children.

So when your child is upset or sad, they are simply unable to think their way out of the distress, or respond to ‘logical’ suggestions from you, because the thinking part of their brain is not working.

How does emotion coaching help?

Margaret Adam, a psychologist and parent group facilitator, teaches parents how to use emotion coaching. Her solution to helping an emotionally distressed child may seem almost too simple but it is scientifically sound and it works.

“Empathy is the answer.” she says. “By letting them feel, by telling them that we see their distress, and by showing them empathy, a child’s brain will naturally start to regain balance.”

Margaret stresses that this is not about asking your child how they are feeling. Remember their thinking brains are ‘off-line’ and children may not have the words to explain what they are experiencing.

“A child might be feeling confusion and shame” says Margaret, “They may be minimising what they are feeling or they may not even understand what they are feeling at all.

“Children need to learn to identify their emotions but they can’t do that on their own. When experiencing loss, of a parent, or something else that brings up feelings of grief, the intensity of these emotions can be truly overwhelming.”

Strengthen your relationship with your child and build their skills for future success

Showing your child understanding without judgement will deepen the intimacy and trust between you. You will also help them to build emotional resilience and literacy - skills that will really help them throughout their life.

“Evidence tells us that when children are able to understand their own emotions, and the emotions of others, and be comfortable with expressing their feelings they are better able to regulate their emotions, solve problems and have stronger relationships now and into adulthood.”

Learning to Emotion Coach

Margaret teaches a series of courses developed by the University of Melbourne, based on research into emotions and empathy. The principles of emotion coaching are not complicated. However, Margaret points out that in practice it can take some time to learn, so she recommends that parents enrol in an emotion coaching course.

“We’re often unlearning habits and ways of responding that were taught to us as children. We might be feeling distress ourselves. Our reaction is often to push our children to feel ok or rush in with problem solving. Emotion coaching can help parents and carers sit with the discomfort of those emotions as well.”

If you can’t book into a course right now, you can still start putting emotion coaching into practice by following the five principles below:

Be aware of emotions

Tune into what your child is feeling and also your own emotions. Observing their emotional expressions is the first step to understanding.

Connect with your child

View moments of emotion as opportunities to connect and build intimacy. Avoid dismissing or minimising their feelings.

Listen with empathy

Listen carefully and empathetically to your child's feelings, showing you understand without judgment.

Name emotions

Help your child label their emotions by using accurate words to describe what they are feeling. This can be soothing for them.

Set limits and problem-solve

Set clear boundaries for behavior while working together to find solutions to the underlying problem. For example, you can explain why a behavior is inappropriate and help them come up with better ways to handle the situation.

Source: Tuning into Kids, University of Melbourne

Notice that problem solving is the last step. Problem solving can happen only when the emotional flood-waters have receded in your child’s limbic system and may not ultimately be necessary. Often just having you by their side, listening and observing without judgement is all that they need.

Can children be too young for emotion coaching?

“Emotion coaching is for all ages. Even infants” says Margaret, “It’s never too early to start talking to your children about their emotions.”

For very young children you keep the language simple and problem solving simple and age appropriate.

You might say, “It looks like you're feeling really sad about Mum not being here for your birthday. I am wondering if you're really missing her today?”

As children get older and move into the teen years, emotion coaching can become more detailed, with complex language, and might even take place over several days.

“You seem tired. I think this must have been a really hard day for you today. I know you're happy for Dad that he's got a girlfriend now but that must bring up some really difficult feelings for you.”

Our article “The hardest conversation: Talking to your child about death” also has some great advice about how to help children cope with grief and loss, and examples of what to say.

Where can parents learn more about emotion coaching?

Margaret works at Catholic Care Sydney where she and her colleagues offer parenting courses online, including Tuning Into Kids, and Tuning into Teens. These are evidence-based emotion coaching courses developed by the University of Melbourne. Catholic Care Sydney also runs a variety of other evidence-based courses for parents. Find out more at Catholic Care Sydney website.

If you’re not in Sydney, the Tuning into Kids website has a list of organisations that run the programs across New South, both in person and online.

Many thanks to Margaret Adam for her expert advice. Margaret is a registered psychologist and counsellor. She works for Catholic Care Sydney as a parent group facilitator and also has a private practice offering counselling, parent coaching and professional supervision. She can be contacted at margaretadamtherapy@gmail.com.

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